Category: Dating and Relationships
If your partner lys to you, and you find out about it, can you trust them to not do it again? In particular, if your in a long distence relationship with your partner.
Oh and one mor thing. You've already had them ly to you before, they said they were sorry, and you gave them only one more chance, but still they ly.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to tell the truth to the one that you love. Usually, it's to keep feelings from being hurt. Sometimes it's to keep the one that you love from finding out that you messed up and they are afraid of the partner thinking less of them.
The way that I would handle it, is to calmly let the person know that you know that they lied to you. Focus on the reason that they lied and not the thing that lied about. Assure them that that you are in love with all of them, their good qualities as well as their bad. Let them know that you are hurt by the fact that they lied, more than the thing that they lied about. Get them to trust that you will not judge them, that there is nothing, and you mean nothing that they can't tell you. That dishonesty will break up the relationship far faster than any act.
I would try the 3 strike rule for this, giving the same speech every time. After that, you can say that you had done everything that you could.
Good luck
Thom
Agreed.
well what if you were dating someone long distance and you're still best friends with them, but they as well as you want to get back together with them at some point. Ok the situation I'm refering to is well this guy I'm best friends with told me that the reason he took a break was because of the distance and he couldnt' see me as much as he wanted. Then after a while I found out that he cheated on me with some girls online , and I didn't find out from him either, I found out from a friend. Then my best friend tells me that he is possibley going to meet another girl and I bring up the subjectt of what if he has sex with this person and he told me that he stil loves/ cares about me and that noone wil replace me and hat I'll always be special to him. He has also told me that he wants to get back together when the ability of seeing each other is better. I just went up to see him last weekend and found out from a friend that he is out of town, I know where he is and well I am so hurt because he just saw me and wel then he went to meet this other person. Question if he really does love me, then why is he doing this. I dont' want to think he'll end up with her, but I don't know what to think.
It's realy up to you what you do, but your situation is almost the same as mine. Except this guy and I are together, but after this, I don't think so. I was warned by about a dozen people about him, and I even have a list of girls he's been hitting on. So, that's why I posted this topic in the first place, cause I don't kno what to do. I hope you get something out of this topic as well.
This is irrelevant but I was just wondering heavy metal if he's sighted. I think you should stop putting up with this garbage bc he's obviously not appreciating you, he seems to be playing you. The truth hurts, believe me it kills.
well I belive the lying needs to sop, also both need to bee honest or the partner that is lying needs to be honest or just moveo n.
Some guys like the thrill of the chase. Once they have a girl, they chase after another. In both of these cases, You both realize the problem and can choose to nip it in the bud. For the guys you speak of, they will end up old and alone. You will both find the one that will appreciate you and only you. Keep looking
i think lieing is wrong of course i do. didn't our parents raise us to know right from wrong? also didn't our parents teach us not to hurt people?
little lies, normal lies are all the same just be honest with your partner. he/she may or may not forgive you but least you have a clean conciouns.
What if you've been hurt more than once. Not just by this one partner, but by almost every guy you've ever liked. Should you take this partner back, eventhough he says that it'll never happen again, and that your it?
no.
I just want to let you all kno, that I dumped his ass. However, we're still friends, and that's it.
Good for you to have that strength. However, The right thing to do would be to talk to him, as friends, and find out why he needs more than one woman in his life.You would be helpping his future. You would also be finding something out that may be helpful in your own future. If it goes right, you would be closer to him than you ever were while in your relationship. Dumping him wasn't the answer to solve this problem or the one's that you've had in the past. But, backing up your emotions was the right thing. By him saying that he wouldn't do it again, was a lie. Maybe he ment to say that he doesn't want to do it again, and needs your help to guide him. Time will tell. Nothing worth while is easy. Good luck
If it was in your best interests then maybe but a blatant outright lie?No, once that happens you would be 2nd guessing everything.
Yeah, it was. He was hitting on other girls, and I had to find out through friends that he was doing it. I couldn't trust that he'd never do it again, even though he said that he wouldn't, and that he'd do anything to keep the relationship going.
Okay, maybe I spoke to soon, cause now he's begging me to give him another shot, after all he's done. It seems that everytime I turn around, he's asking me to give him another chance. I try to put him off, and just be friends, but he's so damb pushy about it. I kno that if I take him back that he'll only do it again and again, and I can't let it happen again. So, I guess what I'm asking is, how do I get him to back off, and just be friends?
ok, first things first.
girl you did good to dump his arse.
you deserve alot better than him.
you need to be strong and tell him it is friends or nothing.
there is someone out there for you and you don't need a lying person in your life.
i have had so many crap relationships in the pass but now i am so happy with the man am with now.
all good things come to those who wait.
trust me you will find happyness.
well, I have had this guy to hurt me over and over in the past 2 years, he just won't stop tells me he loves me, then tells me he wants to kill himself and his plans to do it and his funeral plans and such, then he goes back to loving me and then says that if I leave him he will kill himself so I know what you feel here. the best thing to do in these situations is to contact off complete contact forever, never let this person re enter your life.
Tell him you will remain friends, but that's all. If he is too pushy, you will cut ties with him altogether.
I've told him not to push me, but still he pushes. So, it's come to that I will be telling him that's it's friends, or nothing, and that if he keeps pushing I want nothing more to do with him.
I have told this person that it is friends and nothing more more then once and it doesn't work
jjust be strong and stick to your guns.
I agree with the others, be strong and stick to your guns.
Yep, good things do come to those who wait. I had one person tell me yesterday she hates the phraise "You're yung." "You will find someone." Well see, that's the nature of relationships. Once you do find the right person, you'll know it and you'll be all the more happier for it. Sometimes you gotta go through shitty relationships (in fact I'm betting most do...), before you find the person for you. Sometimes you think you know its the person for you, but it winds up not being. Usually its the atractiveness you're looking at, or putting those lustful or loving feelings before looking at the big picture. down the road you find out this relationship isn't working, or something goes wrong such as lieing, cheating etc. Give it time, and be strong.
John
I agree with tat. I'm done with this guy, for good, cause of what he has done to me. I kno that I'll find the right person, some day, and I kno I have to go through hurtful things to get to him. I'm not going to rush in to something that may or may not end up like this last guy. I won't do that to myself again. Well, not with him anyway. He still wants us to get back together, but I don't want that, and I don't trust him anymore. I said that all I can offer is friendship, and to take it or leave it, but I'm starting to wonder, if I should have even offered that.
good for you for leaving him.
liz, I was told about this post, and about who it reffers to. as the guy is one of my friends, I however, agree with you for dumping him. He tried that stunt on me, and I told him flat out no, that I wouldn't take that from him. Him and I are knda friends, but my friends who know him in person have told me numerous storries about him.
Congrads on dumping him,
Karrie
I understand that he has friends in here, but he hurt me badly, and I'll never let him do it to me again. Some of the stuff I was told, made me sick, and not trust him that he wouldn't do it again. I said to him, that friends! is it!. I told him that, and he seems to be excepting that.
hi, dear,
it is the first we may speak together, but i have an advice to you.
the one who tells lies once is not worthy to be trusted again, the liar deserves not to be dealt with again. liar people can do all thing s bad and harm their partnners through different ways. my girl once tried to cheat me and speak to another person. i knew that and cut all ties with her. she cam to say many apologizes but in vain. friends tried to compromise but i told them just a phrase: "liar friend is refused" the one who lies to his beloved can ly to his friend. never try to have him even as a friend. forget him at all and you will meet the one who is better.
elshaer76
I ended up cutting all ties with him. We're no longer friends, and never will be again. Plus, I've met someone else, and this guy knows how much Lutherk hurt me. The one I'm with now, is the most sweetest guy, and he treats me like an angel.
to the last post,
dear, that is a logical result, to leave the liar and never care about the consequences, but be sure that you must meet the better person with whom you feel warmth of emotions.
Oh I did. Even though some might not share the same view as I do of him, but I don't care. He makes me happy, and Lutherk's just a perve.
Wo, wo, hun, first of all, airing your dirty laundry on a public board is bad enough, when you are using hypatheticals and not disclosing names, but when you go and post the other involved party's name or user name you have gone too far. I don't know you, I don't know him, but you should not go on like this on a public forum discussing your and his personal business in public, alternately giving him chances and bashing him for all too see, when he never made the decission to make all of this public. You have a responsibility, even after a relationship goes wrong to protect your self and your previous partner. Also, be honest with him from the beginning. if you can gleefully post that you "dumped his ass" on a public message board then you aren't being his friend. This is something to discuss with your sister or brother, a counsilor or a close friend, not on a public board on the zone for crying out loud.
You obviously didn't read properly then. I said, "we are not! friends anymore". Plus, I'm not the only one that thinks he's a perve.
No, but at the point when you were still stating that you wanted to be his friend you were also gloting over dumping him, on an internet board. And, my how bitter we are. How viscious it can get. It's a shame that you're publically bashing someone who you used to really feel something for, right out in the open. I pride my self on being a very careful reader, as it just so happens. Oh, and to another poster, if someone who you are interested in is seeing someone else it would seem that they aren't merely taking a break from being with you. It's best to know that we can't change people, we can only help them. We can't mend their hearts, only help them to heal them selves. We can only support and encourage, we can't fix someone's life. It's ok to go into a relationship not knowing if you can help each other and if you are right for one another, but that is something that should become apparent in time. To anyone out there who is struggling with issues of trust. Only you can decide how far your trust will stretch, and only you can tell when it's reached it's breaking point. A relationship can weather many lies and still survive, whereas a different relationship can crack under one lie alone. It all depends on the parties involved and the level of communication, tollerence, empathy and understanding that is excersized.
No, not bitter, just telling it how it is. He knew that there would be conciquences from the start if he lyed to me, or cheated on me, and he did both. My thinking that we could have been friends back then, was stupid on my part, knowing how charming he could be...he sucked me into believing that we could have a friendship, when under it all, he wanted me back. Lucky for me, and with help from some friends, I saw him for what he is.
I wouldn't trust a liar of any distance, local or long distance, friend or boyfriend or whatever. Well, my two exes lied to me and our love relationships failed, but I've still kept them on my friends list as chatty friends and such. I wouldn't ever get back to either ex though.
Boy. I am so glad I don't do the "my friend said this, so I'll believe that" game.
I hate the he said she said game. I'll figgure it out on my own thank you. Further more, as far as I'm concerned, just because X had a problem with person Y doesn't mean I'll have a issue at all with person Y.
Its called judging on your own instead of letting others garner how you shall judge a person.
Just my $0.02.
John
I did judge for myself. I! made the decition to dump him, and I! made the decition to not be his friend anymore. I'm not some lap dog that does everything her friends tell her to do. I! make my! own decisions on my! life. My friends only offered their advice, and told me what they knew. That's all.
I realize this. Just sayin'....
Amen, JHRadio. You just expressed the most dangerous aspect of this internet community, or any close-nit gosiping community for that matter. That's exactly the point, judge for your self. Refuse out right to play the he said, she said, but they said that, she knows that, it must be treu that he, we all know they, but she told him that, and they say that theire... Blah. Blah. Blah. And, always trust your own heart, intillect and intuition. Otherwise you could seriously loose out on great oppertunities, overlook evident truths, miss out on important chances and make mistakes that can't be undone.
Oh, I kno I'm not missing out on anything when it comes to this particular situation. Infact, if I didn't get out of it, I'd have never met my boyfriend that I'm with now.
Well, good luck sister.
Oy. This may not be the best thing for me to say about the subject at hand, but I'm going to take my chances. I mean no offense and hope this does not spike yet another debate nor argument. Liz: Just bassed on everything you said,it sounded like you made your dessision based on what your friends said. I'll refer to the post above.
Post 37 of 44
Lioness Liz
Lucky for me, and with help from some friends, I saw him for what he is.
I hope that the help from your friends was a lending ear, as aposed to the "Well look what he did to me..." thing.
Just bassed on my perception, it sounded to me like your friends had some influence on your breakup.
I realize there was a lot more to this relationship, but I only have my perception and what was said to go on here. Bassed on that they wer the conclusions I came up with after reading this thread in its entirety.
John
Okay, let's see if I can make this any clearer, for anyone else who doesn't think that I made the decition for myself. My friends did! not! make my! choice! to dump him for me. I! made it, on my! own! All they did, was offer advice, and tell me what they had hurd. At no! time! did they make any decitions for me! about my! life. I! dumped him, because I! wanted to, based on my! feelings and on the fact! he was lying and cheating on me. I didn't deserve that, and still don't...nobody does.
I'm afraid I still have to concur with JHRadio. He's not just saying that you broke up with the guy because your friends told you too. It would seem that there was mistrust in the relationship because you were listening too much to your friends, probably gosips on the zone, and not enough to your partner, and to your own intuition. As more and more people responded in favor of his guilt you became more and more hostile towards your ex. That is very apparent only from viewing this limited board topic. In your current relationship and in others you have in future I do hope that you will work on communication, give your partner the benifit of the doubt when it is appropriate and only listen to people who know both you and your partner very well, and in person, none of this online crapola. Hunny, We're not just saying make decissions for your self, but also think for your self, when it is leading up to a decission. You need to focus on your self and your partner, and to hell with the bloody zone.
Well, I would have listened to him from the start if he was honest! with me, but he wasn't, and that's not hostility your reading, that's truth! Plus, I'm not sure how much clearer I can make it...oh fuck it! if ya want to believe that my friends influenced my decitions, go right ahead. I kno, and my friends kno, that it was my! decition, and mine alone, to both end the relationship, and the friendship, with this s,o,b, and that's all that matters. I love my boyfriend that I'm with now, regardless of what people have said to me about him, and he's been honest! with me, unlike my ex.
Well, the truth hurts sometimes, but I'd rather someone tell me the truth than lie.
Exactly! dream lady. That's all I was doing, and some people think that my friends made the decition for me to end this, when it was me! making it for me! Nobody tells me what to do, or how to think, or for that matter, who to have in or out of my life. So, if someone can't handle what I wrote, when I wrote it, to! bad!
This brings up another point, love your boyfriend that quick? You haven't been going out with this new guy for all that long...
There is a difference between love and lust. We all have gotten the two confused at one time or another.
Love takes time and a tun of nurchering. Hope everything works out for you. No hard feeling, smile.
John
Let me just say ... absolutely not. No, no, and no! Need I say anymore?
Whether a friend or a lover, once you lie and break that trust, it's hard to get it back. 9-3/4 times out of ten, I forget about that person and move on with my life.
A very good point. I have been asked out by guys over the internet, said perhaps, and then been inindated with emails, PQNs and the like, and have been told only a number of days after even consenting to consider a relationship, that they love me. Give me a break. You might know if you love some one after intense in person experiences, or a very long time of deep, thought-provoking internet conversations and emotionally involved phone conversations, but it is so obviously a false proclimation or a misunderstanding of the meaning of the words "I love you." when someone who has never met you will say such a thing in only a matter of days or a few short weeks. Jesus Christ, people, liv in the real world.
Erh, I think that guys no that women are more emotional, and feel that in order to keep the relationship going that they need to say those things.
John
This kind of guys think, women r only for their fun. Women will do all sacrifice for them, and they will enjoy old and new partner same time.
They advice u always, be strong honest and be attached with him only. always try u to convince, not to be attached with others.
excuse me for being rude, kick them and enjoy your life.
You may have a nice partner, or not. But, find out someone, with whom u like to spend time, Your interests and hobbies similar with him.
You surely overcome present crisis then!
My english not so good, so sorry if make any mistake.
Don't worry about your English. For English as a second language that was just fine. Well, I'd rather have a guy wait a long time to tell me that he loves me, and mean it, then do so too soon, when he doesn't or when he's not sure if he really does. It's better to stand in line for hours in the freezing rain to get front row tickets at a great concert then to order mesenine level tickets off of the internet from the comfort of your home.
Excuse me! but I kno how I feel about my boyfriend, and he knows how he feels about me. Okay, so your allowed to have your apinion, but only I kno how I feel. This isn't lust, either. You guys don't kno what we talk about, or how long we talk! if ya want confermation on how he feels about me, go read the love swop board. If not, back! off!
Oh yeah honey. Like a chat board on the internet is the place for a guy to express his love for you. If you ever meet him in person I truly wish you the best of luck. Oh, and I was merely commenting on the general pattern of men either to be afraid to say it, or to say it for the wrong reasons. You're particular situation hadn't even entered my mind. Don't take everything as a personal attack, you'll sleep better, have better digestion, feel more relaxed, be better in bed, enjoy life more and stress others and your self out, a lot less.
It could be love yet it could be a short inthatuation.
It happens. Take it at your own pace but know that love must be nurrished and takes time. Trust takes building. When the walls of trust are haistily built it doesn't last properly.
I understand about the love takes time thingy, and I'm not rushing anything. Plus, I'm not taking anything as a personal attack. I just am trying to make a point, and I feel like people are just jumping all over me for it. I really could care less what anyone thinks, and I'm sorry I ever started this shit.
No hard feelings. Don't w worry about it. Good luck in your love life.
John
Best wishes. Just be careful and take care.
Hey,
I didn't read through all the posts before, and I kind of regret that I have now, but i wanted to make a comment in regards to what Passionate&NaturalArtist said in post 42.
I judge for myself in any given situation, especially when it comes to relationships. Granted, I've made some stupid mistakes in doing things my way, but that's how people learn. Now, the relationship I'm in would not have been possible at all if I had bothered listening to what other people said about him. Those who know me well know my story, and those who don't have no idea of the grief I went through to meet Mark. People who claimed to have my best interests at heart tried everything they could do to stop me from flying out to meet him ... even calling the local police department in an attempt to have them intervene. Well, that obviously didn't work. Instead of scaring me off, it made me even more determined to go through with the meeting. I set off on that hot August day, and am all the more grateful I did. And that was all because I judged for myself.
Good for you.
Geez Allie. See what I'm saying? Though I think going to the police was a little much...
I believe each ly should be looked at separately. If it's too many times, though, then no. Oh, and it's really not realy.
if someone has lied or cheated. I wouldn't take them back. I mean, how do I know if this guy isn't thinking about someone else. they screw up once, then it's over, because if they cheat, then you must not be that good. and, they made a conscious dicision. if they really love you, there should be no reason to lie.
agree. once trust with someone is broken for me that's it.
good luck.
Yeah, I agree with the previous posters. Giving people too many chances won't work out because ones they lie or cheat, it will give you a reason to doubt their intentions with you. It will never be the same again. Sometimes it works out fine after those second chances, but ther's no guarantee that it will last. If someone lies or cheats in a relationship then that just only means that it wasn't working out. Trust is really hard to build especially if its broken. Looking at long distance relationships, there's no guarantee if everything the person tells you is true. The only thing you can depend on is your intuition about them or if you start to feel that they changed or if you sense something suspicious about their behavior. Its not the same for everyone, but either way, if there's something wrong about the relationship, it will reveal itself.